My Encounter with my Fear, Dark Side, Remorse and Grief

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction – Newton’s third law of motion which not only applies to things but humans as well. I truly believe that what we give comes back to us in one form or the other. Our actions do have an impact on others as well as us and that’s why we need to choose to act with a clear mind and conscience. And when we fail to do so, when we act in haste we might not be prepared for the consequences that would follow our act. I can say that because I too wasn’t prepared to face the consequences of my action last night.

I am scared of invertebrates. No particular reason for that, they have never caused me any harm but the sight of them makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck. My mom is very fond of plants. She has grown a small garden on our balcony with different kinds of flowers and vegetables. As she is away for a few days she has put her trust in me to take care of her plants with complete devotion and I am trying my level best to do so.

Last evening after watering the plants, having my dinner I sat on my balcony listening to music and gazing at the stars and moon. It is one of my favourite things to do. I was completely lost in a different world. Suddenly my eyes fell on something red, thin as a thread, moving very slowly on the floor of the balcony not very far from the place where I was sitting. I bent a little to have a closer look and to my horror, I discovered that it was an earthworm. Scared as I am of invertebrates my reaction was based on my first instinct; I shouted for help. Listening to my scream, my husband came running and asked what happened. In a hasty speech, I pleaded with him to help me by getting rid of that worm. He laughed and said, “It’s such a small creature. Not causing you any harm. Just pick it up with a piece of paper and put it back it the plant.” Saying that he laughed again and went off.

Fear of earthworm and frustration towards my husband’s attitude made me incapable of thinking rationally. My mind started thinking of ways to get rid of that worm and suddenly my eyes fell on the can of hit spray (chemical to kill cockroaches). I immediately picked it up and sprayed it for 2-3 seconds on the worm. I thought like cockroaches it would immediately die but what followed next was the least I had imagined. To my horror, the moment the spray hit the worm it started wriggling in pain and its body started coiling and uncoiling. I was filled with great remorse looking at it going through pain and hoping that it would die soon. When few seconds passed and it still wriggled in pain, my remorse reached a point that tears started flowing through my eyes and I ran and got a mug of water thinking that it would wash away the spray from the worm’s body and I might save him. The moment I had put water on it, it stopped wriggling which definitely caused me relief. But the very next instant it again wriggled and then completely coiled and stopped moving.

“No, no, no…” I whispered sitting on my knees looking at its dead, coiled form weeping silently. I was full of remorse and guilt. It’s not that I haven’t killed any creature in the past. I have definitely killed flies and cockroaches but I have never seen them suffer before they died and I guess that is what was different this time which made me regret my decision to act on my impulse and fear. I feel ashamed of my action, of causing another being such suffering, of being the reason for someone’s painful death. Indeed humans are the most selfish creature. My act was not in my defence, if it would have been so then for sure I wouldn’t have been full of grief. If only I would have thought rationally the worm would have lived and I would have been guilt-free.

I would never forget the incident because it’s an evidence of my dark side. Whenever in future I would face my fear or anger I would remember it and try to be a better human being without giving in to my dark side. And for the mistake that I have already committed, I just hope and wish that I am forgiven for it someday.

Author: Khushboo

Pic Credit: Google Images