Impossible Philosophies

Philosophies – interesting when learnt, difficult when practiced and impossible when practiced in accidental situation. The very thought of being an atheist has made me weaker when I dreamt that my beloved wife is dead. I was crying throughout the dream and asking people and relatives around me: “Why was this meant to happen only to me?” or should I rephrase the words for the sake of being an atheist: “Why did this happen to me?”

It was 3: 15 A.M. when I got up from my dream and THANKED GOD because it was just a dream. I held her in my arms and cried loudly. She tried to make me stop crying as she knew that I had seen a nightmare. She could understand what I had dreamt as I was constantly crying and asking her, “Promise me, you won’t leave me. I can’t leave without you. I am not so practical.”

I could remember the dream. I was endlessly crying (in my dream) looking at people around me, and the very thought that my wife wasn’t there in the crowd of my relatives was making me realize the meaning of the word ‘loneliness’. That loneliness was horrifying. It could have killed me. I would have gone mentally ill experiencing that ‘horrifying loneliness’ in my dreams.

I don’t know about the meaning of ‘loneliness’ reality. I also don’t know what would be happening to those people who have experienced the tragedy of losing their dear one which I experienced in my dream. I lost my mother and father when I was 28 years old (3 years back) in a gap of fifteen days. I didn’t cry at the funeral as I wasn’t emotionally attached to them. But this dream … it has made me a weaker person, or may be emotionally I am weaker but did not have dare, or should I rephrase, did not want the world to see me being ‘weaker’ in any aspect. Here, I am not connecting the word ‘weaker’ just because I cried. The thought of ‘I without my wife (who is the only reason for me to enjoy the life and to understand life closely)’ is an eye-opener. People, in the dream, were consoling me saying “Nobody can challenge the fate”, “It was GOD’s wish”, etc. That time, in dream, I was neither conscious of being an atheist nor I was interested in arguing with people the non-existence of GOD. I was missing my wife in the midst of crowd.  

Theist people have their GODs that work as a source of strength for them in such real life situations. What would atheist people like me do? Just cry and console myself that my wife is dead. No, not possible. Can’t I bear sorrow because I do not have any GOD? I wouldn’t have, though it is a fact, accepted the fact that death is natural phenomenon. This very fear would have made me theist.

It was 4:00 A.M. I had cried. My wife successfully made me realize that it was a nightmare and she still loves me and would never leave me. I switched on the lights in the room. Sitting alone, I thought of Buddha’s philosophy and his words:

“The reason for man being sorrowful is lust, Trishna. The lust that I want something or someone. When you want something or someone and you don’t get it, you become grief-stricken. So, find the reasons for your sorrow and destroy them”.

I am a die-hard fan of Buddha’s philosophy. It may be because I am a Buddhist or may be because of Buddha’s scientific approach towards life and nature. I talk of his philosophy in real life as well. Whenever people need words of ‘enlightenment’, I have always been there.  But, this is the first time I disagree with Buddha’s words of wisdom on sorrow and on being happy leaving Trishna aside. I cannot be happy without my wife. How can one be without his or her beloved ones? They must be leaving their life just because they are not dead. How can I find the reasons for ‘my wife’s death in my dream’ or, for that matter, ‘how can someone find the reasons for their beloved one’s death’? Are they in the mentality of going and finding the reason? Are they in the situation of accepting the fact? In such situations, I feel the feeling of theism will work better. The thought ‘GOD will take care of you’ or ‘He/She is chosen by GOD as he/she was the loveliest person’ works here. It was my dream which made me so sorrowful even in reality. If it would have been reality, which I don’t want it to be ever, I wouldn’t have stopped crying. I am not being poetic here, but I would have cried forever. Cry is not about tears flowing down your chick. Cry is also about missing someone’s presence very badly. Yes, I do not agree here with Buddha’s words of wisdom. I am just a human being, a normal human being. Buddha, I am not a saint or a sage or I am not as strong as you were to live life just like that in such situations. I really don’t know how you had survived the sorrows of your life, and on what basis or experiences you have given your wisdom words.

I remember the words of the Principal of the school where I am teaching told me, “Don’t be so dependent on your wife.” Principal also shared one of her experiences with me that one of her relative or colleague (as I could not recall at present) gone mentally ill because he lost his wife, and he used to love her so much. If I meet that man, I will tell him, “Your wife was so lucky to have you”. I will not have any positive or negative feeling for him being in mental asylum if endless love is the reason for his condition.

At present I feel that I am not theist or atheist, neither am I the follower of Buddha and all the words of the saintly people I praise and respect have said, because philosophies are interesting when learnt, difficult when practiced and impossible when practiced in accidental situation. At present, I know only one thing, and that is “I cannot leave without my wife”.